A blog post

This is not how I wanted our story to end.  This was my worst fear come true.

It's so abrupt.  So achingly permanent.  Such a bottom level of sadness and grief I've never experienced.

And while I cannot begin to further describe how I'm feeling emotionally, there are some things I'm thanking God for and I wanted to share those with you.

I'll let you know what medically happened last weekend.

Friday after our Texas Children's appointments, it was late afternoon and we still hadn't eaten so we stopped for some lunch.  I told Brian that I was so sad that I felt like I wanted to go see a movie or something just to get my mind off of the stress of the appointments.  I was going to take my bed rest to the movies.  But as we sat through the meal I realized how tired I was and how much my back was hurting.  We decided I should go home and go to bed.  So that's what I did.

Saturday, I was sitting on the couch typing the last blog post when I really started not to feel good.  I figured it was a combination of being pregnant with twins and the stress of their health and appointments and just everything.  My back was hurting so badly I was putting heating pads on it and doing everything I could think of to lessen the pain.  I told Brian that I was just not feeling good.  My body was just hurting.  I went to lay down in bed.  While I was laying there, it occurred to me that I might be running fever.  So we took my temp and it was 100.1.  I took Tylenol.  The fever was not incredibly high but still something to call the doctor about during a high risk pregnancy.  By this time it was late afternoon and I called the doctor and of course they wanted me to come down to TCH to be checked out.  I wasn't happy about this because I felt so bad I just wanted to be in bed.  But we went down there.

When we got there, I wasn't running fever anymore because I had taken Tylenol.  I was really dehydrated so they put me on IV fluids.  They told me I didn't have a kidney infection but that they suspected I was coming down with a bladder infection.  They asked if I was having any contractions and I said no which was the absolute truth.  We checked the babies out on an ultrasound and they were doing just fine.  So after a few hours, they sent me home with a prescription for a specific bladder infection antibiotic.

Early Sunday morning around 3:00 a.m., I was awake because I'm always awake.  And I noticed I was having contractions really irregularly.  This was nothing new to me.  I've had contractions off and on since the laser surgery.  My back was still hurting so badly though and I couldn't get comfortable to sleep.  By late morning, I noticed I may be having more contractions than usual so I downloaded a contractions timing app on my phone.  Still nothing happening regularly.  But I didn't feel good.

In the afternoon the contractions began to come 5 minutes apart.  I was laying down, drinking lots of fluids and I took a warm bath, all trying to slow the contractions.  Around 4:00 pm. my water broke but I wasn't quite sure that's what was happening.  I thought things might just be irritated from the bladder infection.  I called the doctor and they asked me to come in again.  I really didn't want to.  I had spent 3 out of the last 4 days down at TCH and I just didn't want to drive down again.  But of course we had to.  I took a shower and packed a bag, figuring I'd be put on magnesium for a couple of days to slow contractions.  On the way down there, I realized that it was my water that had broken and the contractions began to come 3 minutes apart.

When we got there, it was confirmed.  My water had broken, I was running a fever and I was in labor.  Many times, if a woman's water breaks and she has no sign of infection, they can stop her labor until the babies are older.  However, my body was showing signs of extreme infection.  We were told they were very sorry, but I was sick and I was going to have to deliver our babies.  No one said at the time that they wouldn't survive, but I knew what delivering babies at 20 weeks 6 days meant.  It was like a slap in the face.

From there, things moved pretty quickly.  I was in a lot of pain and labor was progressing fast.  Because of the infection, my body was definitely trying to deliver quickly.  Over the next hours, I got an epidural and we were just waiting for labor to progress.  I took an Ambien to try and get a little sleep before delivery.  Two hours later after some on and off sleep, I was asleep when my body started shaking uncontrollably.  Like seizure shaking.  Brian and my sister were in the room and my sister called a nurse.  They checked and I was ready to push.  I was still shaking and feeling really really sick.  I delivered Madelyn and then Olivia and the babies were placed on my chest.  They were alive!  We hadn't known what to expect.  If we would be able to meet them alive.  But this is something I'm thankful to God for.  Our precious babies were born alive and we got to spend some time with them before they went on to be with the Lord.  What a precious gift that was.  We talked to them.  Sang to them.  Prayed with them.  Talked to them about the next voice they would be hearing, Jesus's voice.  It was beautiful but heart wrenching.

While this was happening, my body got sicker.  My fever spiked to 103, my blood pressure dropped to 73/43 and my heart rate was in the 140's.  My white blood cell count was very high.  I was in sepsis, a potentially fatal blood poisoning infection condition. While I was holding my beautiful girls, I looked over and there was a group of about 5 doctors talking about how to get me stabilized.  It was suggested that I be sent to ICU.  However, they decided to have a critical care doctor come down and analyze the situation first.  I am so glad they didn't send me straight to ICU as I would have had to leave the babies behind while they were alive and that would have been even more devastating to me.  That to me was another way God was taking care of me.  He was right there in the situation.  He allowed me that time with the girls.

I was physically fighting for my life and emotionally trying to say goodbye to my beautiful Madelyn and Olivia.  The toughest moments of my whole life.

Our girls went to be with Jesus.  And I was started on a crazy strong cocktail of IV antibiotics.  The fever lowered but didn't go away.  My heart rate came down a little but did not stabilize.  My blood pressure did not come up.  The rest of the day was spent grieving and trying to stabilize my body.  I don't think I realized how sick I was until a few days later when several doctors explained to me how serious the situation was.

Later that evening, my temp lowered a bit more and my heart rate returned to a semi normal rate.  My blood pressure stayed very low for 2 days.  I stayed in the labor and delivery room an extra day until I was stable enough to go to a postpartum room.  The next day my blood results were showing a lowered white blood cell count, meaning I was starting to fight the infection.  But my red blood count was showing as severely anemic due to the sepsis.  They talked about giving me a blood transfusion but decided to try IV bags of iron first.  IV iron looks a lot like molasses and feels a lot like molasses in the veins.  Not very fun.  But still better than going through a blood transfusion.

By Wednesday, I was showing major signs of improvement.  I was feeling better.  My vitals were better.  And the IV iron was working.  The doctors were amazed and encouraged that my body bounced back so quickly.  I don't believe that was a coincidence.  I know that was God taking care of my body.  Wednesday night, I got to go home but I'm still not fully healthy yet.  The doctors think I'd had the infection for a while, maybe even since as long ago as the surgery.  Which we knew was a risk of the surgery.  So, my body is still healing from all the infection.

I have been on my knees praying for the health of my babies for months.  Months.  And I while I can't begin to explain how sad I am that they are not here on earth, I am thankful that God spared my life.  Avery and Brian need me.  And I'm grateful to be alive to take care of them.  God has blessed me with life.

Thank you all for your kind messages.  I've read each one and cried over each one.  I'm so appreciative of your prayers and support.  Please continue to pray as I heal physically.  And please pray for us as we mourn this major loss of our children.

The last paragraph of my last blog post is haunting.  But I still mean every bit of it.  I'm so thankful for the blessing of being Madelyn and Olivia's parents.

I desperately miss our girls.  I know I'll see them again someday.